HealthBeat News

Category: Funnies

  • HealthBeat Education: Medical Terminology Definitions

    As you know, we at The Wellness Club are dedicated to educating and thereby empowering our HealthBeat readers. Knowing that medical terminology is difficult and confusing to many laypersons, we are pleased to present the following list of definitions of medical terms.

    Artery: The study of paintings.
    Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria.
    Barium: What doctors do when patients die.
    Benign: What you be after you be eight.
    Cat scan: Searching for Kitty.
    Cauterize: Made eye contact with her.
    Cesarean Section: A neighborhood in Rome.
    Colic: A sheep dog.
    Coma: A punctuation mark.
    D&C: Where Washington is.
    Dilate: To live long.
    Enema: Not a friend.
    Fester: Quicker than someone else.
    Fibula: A small lie.
    Genital: Non-Jewish person.
    G.I.Series: World Series of military baseball.
    Hangnail: What you hang your coat on.
    Impotent: Distinguished, well known.
    Labor Pain: Getting hurt at work.
    Medical Staff: A Doctor’s cane.
    Morbid: A higher offer than I bid.
    Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates.
    Node: I knew it.
    Outpatient: A person who has fainted.
    Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis.
    Post Operative: A letter carrier.
    Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery.
    Rectum: Darn near killed him.
    Secretion: Hiding something
    Seizure: Roman emperor.
    Tablet: A small table.
    Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport.
    Tumor: More than one.
    Urine: Opposite of you’re out
    Varicose: Near by / close by

  • Dog Logic

    Those who know us here at The Wellness Club know that we love our animals. There is much we can learn from our furry friends – see if these photos and quotations don’t make you smile… Check out our page of Dog Logic!

  • Important Scientific Discovery Announced!

    As you know, Dr. Myatt and her research team strive to be constantly on the cutting edge of science, so that we can provide the very latest and most up-to-date information to our patients and readers. As a consequence we are pleased to share the following important scientific breakthrough with you:

    A major research institution has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Governmentium (Gv)- it has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

    Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every action with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause an action that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.

    Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each re-organization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

    This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass. When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium – an element that radiates the same energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

  • Regarding The “Nude Firemen” Calendars:

    Each year any number of photographers create nude and semi-nude images of firemen, usually in support of some charity or other. Most of these photos are tastefully done, some are truly works of art.

    Posing for one of these projects is not easy – we salute these young people who are willing to “bare all” and allow the rest of us to appreciate their healthy, happy, unselfconscious form in this way.

    Similarly, enjoying such photos is not for the bashful or overly modest either – and with that proviso, we wish to present for your appreciation this fine image – a truly tasteful and pleasurable work of art.

    CLICK HERE TO VIEW THE NUDE FIREMAN

  • The Peanuts Philosophy…

    The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.

    You don’t have to actually answer the questions, just read this straight through, and you’ll get the point.

    1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

    2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

    3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.

    4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

    5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.

    6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.

    How did you do?

    The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday.

    These are not second-rate achievers, they are the best in their fields.

    But the applause dies, awards tarnish, achievements are forgotten, and accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

    Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:

    1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

    2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

    3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

    4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

    5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.

    Easier?

    The lesson:

    The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

    They are simply the ones that care the most and who have made a difference in your life.

    ‘Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia’
    (Charles Schultz)