Category: Funnies

A few random thoughts on aging:

 

• Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
• The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
• Some people try to turn back their odometers.
  Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way.
  I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.
• When you feel dissatisfied and would like to return to the days of your youth, think of Algebra.
• You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
• One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it’s such a nice change from being young.
  Ah, being young is beautiful,
  But being old is comfortable.
• First you forget names, then you forget faces.
  Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
  It’s worse when you forget to pull it down.
• Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft.
  Today, it’s called golf

The following letter was sent to us by one of our readers, and we decided to share it with you as well.

 

The other day, someone at a store in our town read that a methamphetamine lab had been found in an old farmhouse in the adjoining county and he asked me a rhetorical question. “Why didn’t we have a drug problem when you and I were growing up?”

I replied that I did have a drug problem when I was young:  I was drug to church on Sunday morning.  I was drug to church for weddings and funerals.  I was drug to family reunions and community socials no matter the weather.

I was drug by my ears when I was disrespectful to adults.  I was also drug to the woodshed when I disobeyed my parents, told a lie, brought home a bad report card, did not speak with respect, spoke ill of the teacher or the preacher, or if I didn’t put forth my best effort in everything that was asked of me.

I was drug to the kitchen sink to have my mouth washed out with soap if I uttered a profanity.  I was drug out to pull weeds in mom’s garden and flower beds and cockleburs out of dad’s fields.  I was drug to homes of family, friends, and neighbors to help out some poor soul who had no one to mow the yard, repair the clothesline, or chop some firewood, and, if my mother had ever known that I took a single dime as a tip of kindness, she would have drug me back to the woodshed.

Those drugs are still in my veins and they effect my behavior in everything I do, say, or think.  They are stronger than cocaine, crack, or heroin:  and, if today’s children had this kind of drug problem, America would be a better place.

God bless the parents who drugged us

The sturdy, practical country preacher had a teenage son, and he felt it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men his age, the boy didn’t really know what he wanted to do, and he didn’t seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his preacher decided to try an experiment.

He went into the boy’s room and placed on his study table four objects:

• A Bible
• A silver dollar
• A bottle of whiskey
• And a Playboy magazine

I’ll just hide behind the door, the preacher said to himself. When he comes home from school today, I’ll see which object he picks up.

If it’s the Bible, he’s going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he’s going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

If he picks up the bottle, he’s going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

But worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he’s going to be a pervert.

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son’s footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the whisky bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the Playboy magazine’s centerfold.

Lord have mercy, the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

He is going to be a politician.

By Nurse Mark and The Wellness Club Research Team

 

Briefly, this past weekend, it looked as though it was “that time of the year again” when the Centers for Disease Control (the CDC) kicks off it’s annual propaganda advertising “public awareness” campaign on behalf of Big Pharma to promote this year’s influenza vaccines.

They tried valiantly to warn us that a spike in cases of influenza has been noted, with clusters of illnesses being seen in the Midwest, especially amongst people who may have attended state fairs and agricultural shows. This led researchers at the CDC to postulate that animals might be involved, and to then leap to the conclusion that it must certainly be a new and improved form of the “swine flu” that somehow failed to achieve “deadly epidemic” status a few years ago.

It was not to be however.

It seems that a variety of far more interesting news is overshadowing the CDC’s efforts to generate panic concern over the possibility that a variant of swine flu might be making the rounds this year. Perhaps the CDC will catch a break and be able to resume it’s efforts to promote Big Pharma’s vaccines when there is a lull in the news – after all, one of the most basic rules for our fourth estate (the press) is “if it bleeds, it leads!” and so far no-one has been seriously sickened by this latest flu. Perhaps someone unfortunate to have other serious health conditions that place them at higher risk will succumb, giving the CDC and Big Pharma an exploitable tragedy that will beat out the mass shootings, political bickering, economic woes, nuclear worries, and even mars landings that are currently far more attention-getting.

Even so, our researchers here at The Wellness Club have been and will continue to be hard at work on this issue on your behalf. Our team has been scouring the country, seeking clues to help us to better understand illnesses such as this. We hope that with increased understanding will come an improved ability to prevent and treat future outbreaks of these frightening illnesses.

One of the more perplexing questions with regard to this outbreak concerns it’s origins – for while we are told that some cases have been from Indiana and Ohio there is still the question of how this virus managed to make the jump from the animals that it usually infects to humans, who are not normally bothered much by animal diseases. Many theories have been postulated, and our research team has diligently examined them all: mutations of common viruses, man-made viruses, experimental release of weaponized viruses, lab accidents, contaminants arriving from outer space in UFOs, all these possibilities have been looked at here.

In the course of all this research our team has uncovered compelling evidence, even proof, some team members believe, that we have found what may be “Ground-Zero” for this outbreak. Indeed, one of our most dedicated research associates has been able to provide us with photographic evidence that seems to us to be irrefutable.

Since we doubt that the press will be very likely to perform the public service of keeping you informed by passing along this photograph, we are presenting it here. Please be warned, this is a graphic image, and may not be suitable for those possessed of a weak stomach…

Please scroll down to view the evidence of swine flu transmission from animal to human.

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Photographic evidence demonstrating the dangers of uncontrolled and unmonitored interaction between humans and farm animals – shocking!

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Sent to us recently by a reader, we thought you might enjoy these:

 

PARAPROSDOKIANS… are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. (Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left..

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. They begin the evening news with ‘Good Evening,’ then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my desk is a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. In filling out an application, where it says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’

13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.

21. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. Amen

And this one…
I’m supposed to respect my elders; 
But its getting harder and harder for me to find one these days!