Category: Funnies

Whether you are for it or against it, you must admit that ObamaCare or the Affordable Care Act has ignited a political firestorm in America with politicians on all sides of the issue vying to outdo each other in their foolishness and dramatics.

Such is the state of the political climate in our country today – with our elected “representatives” often forgetting the definition of that word and people of all political stripes forgetting that civilized “democracy” is not defined as “two wolves and one sheep voting on what to have for dinner.”

 

With that in mind, we recently received this little look at how the various medical specialties are viewing ObamaCare:

 

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama’s new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter”.

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the asses in Washington.

Many of our readers know that Dr. Myatt and Nurse Mark are located in Arizona – which has a reputation for being one of the hottest places on the planet Earth. That is not entirely true; Arizona boasts of alpine-like villages in some of the highest mountains in the country, and ski resorts, and the largest contiguous conifer forest in the United States. These, of course are found within the same state as are barren, blazing hot deserts, cactus forests, haboob sandstorms, and snakes, lizards, scorpions and other assorted desert critters.

Still, there are some things that make life in Arizona truly a unique experience that changes those who come to live here. We learn new things and habits and words, and when we stop to think about them they are what makes us Arizonans. Here are a few of those things – they will make those of you from the cold states shake your heads in dismay – but they will make Arizonans nod in agreement and smile…

 

How you know you’re from Arizona:

 

When:

You can say Hohokam and no one thinks you’re making it up.

You no longer associate rivers or bridges with water.

You know that a “swamp cooler” is not a happy hour drink.

You know that you can make sun tea outside faster than instant tea in your microwave.

You have to run your air conditioner in the middle of winter so that you can use your fireplace.

The water coming from the “cold” tap is hotter than that from the “hot” tap.

You can correctly pronounce the following words: “Saguaro,” “Tempe,” “Gila Bend,” “San Xavier del Bac,” “Canyon de Chelly,” “Mogollon Rim,” “Cholla,” “Tlaquepacque,” and “Ajo.”

It’s noon on a weekday in July, kids are on summer vacation, and not one single person is moving on the streets.

Hot air balloons can’t fly because the air outside is hotter than the air inside.

You buy guacamole and salsa by the gallon.

Your Christmas decorations include a half a yard of sand and 100 paper bags.

You think a red light is merely a suggestion.

All of your out-of-state friends start to visit after October, but clear out come the end of April.

You think someone driving while wearing oven mitts is clever.

Most of the restaurants in your town have the first name “El” or “Los.”

You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful yard.

You can say “There will be a high of 115 degrees all week,” without fainting.

Vehicles with open windows have the right-of-way in the summer.

People break out jackets when the temperature drops below 70.

You discover, in July, it only takes two fingers to drive your car.

The pool can be warmer than you are.

Most people will not drink tap water unless they are under dire conditions.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, “What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?”

You realize Valley Fever isn’t a disco dance.

People with black cars or who have black upholstery in their car are automatically assumed to be from out-of-state or nuts.

You know better than to get into a car with leather seats if you’re wearing shorts.

Announcements for Fourth of July events never end with “in case of rain…”

You know that a seat belt makes a pretty good branding iron.

You know that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

You have to explain to out-of-staters why there is no daylight saving time.

You know that a Gila Monster is a real creature, not an animated character in a old Japanese horror movie.

Regarding The Birth Order Of Children:

 

Maternity Wear:

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your doctor confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.
3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

Preparing for the Birth:

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.
2nd baby: You don’t bother because you remember that last time breathing didn’t do a thing.
3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

Preparing the Nursery:

1st baby: You pre-wash newborn’s clothes, color coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.
2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.
3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

Worries:

1st baby: At the first sign of distress–a whimper, a frown–you pick up the baby.
2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.
3rd baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

Baby’s Soother:

1st baby: If the soother falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.
2nd baby: When the soother falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.
3rd baby: You pick it up off the ground, wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

Diapers:

1st baby: You change your baby’s diaper every hour, whether they need it or not.
2nd baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.
3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

Activities:

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing, and Baby Story Hour.
2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.
3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

Going Out:

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.
2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.
3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

At Home:

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.
2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.
3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

Swallowing Coins:

1st child: When first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.
2nd child: When second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.
3rd child: When third child swallows a coin, you deduct it from his pocket money.

Remember: Grandchildren are God’s reward to you for allowing your children to live!

By Nurse Mark

 

Who has not heard of Confucius – an ancient Chinese philosopher, teacher, and politician who lived 500 years before Christ.

The wisdom and philosophy of this man continue to guide millions today and scholars continue to study his teachings.

One of Confucius’ more famous teachings is sometimes called “The Silver Rule” for it teaches in a somewhat different fashion that which the more well known “Golden Rule” teaches.

The “Golden Rule” admonishes us to “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”.

The “Silver Rule” as taught by Confucius says “What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others.”

Most scholars believe that both these “rules” teach the same moral value, simply from different directions.

Confucius lived for some 71 or 72 years. In China his heritage has been followed through the ages and his modern descendants are still recognized and honored.

The teachings of Confucius are widely know world-wide. There are few people who have not heard, in whatever language they speak, the words “Confucius say…” followed by some pithy bit of “wisdom” that may or may not be actually attributable to the great teacher himself.

The Analects, or Lunyu (Chinese for “Selected Sayings”), also known as the Analects of Confucius is a collection of sayings and teachings attributed to Confucius. Here are a few of those tidbits of wisdom:

Confucius Say…

• Before you embark on a journey of revenge, dig two graves.
• Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.
• Forget injuries, never forget kindnesses.
• He who will not economize will have to agonize.
• Respect yourself and others will respect you.
• Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
• Study the past if you would define the future.
• When anger rises, think of the consequences.

 

Confucius NOT Say…

• Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
• Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
• Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg will not find nuts.
• Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
• Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
• Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
• War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
• Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
• Man who fish in other man’s well often catch crabs.

 

Finally, maybe Confucius DID Say…

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

By Nurse Mark

 

It’s true! I watched this video and afterward I found that I had given my abdominal muscles such a workout that they were actually sore!

Try it yourself, and see if you don’t get some good exercise too…

(Be sure to click the ‘ X ‘ in the upper right corner of the ad that pops up in the video – to make it go away!)

 

See? I laughed so hard my abdomen hurt.

And yes, we have cats, and yes, our cats have been every bit this entertaining at various times.