Category: Funnies

  • Signs Of The Times

    When I saw this little list I was reminded of a popular song from 1970, by Five Man Electrical Band titled “Signs”… now I’ll spend the rest of the day with this catchy tune rolling around in my head!

    These are supposedly actual signs that have appeared at various locations.

    • Sign on a scientist’s door: “Gone fission.”
    • Sign in a taxidermist’s window: “We really know our stuff.”
    • Sign in a podiatrist’s window: “Time wounds all heels.”
    • Sign in a butcher’s window: “Let me meat your needs.”
    • Sign on used car lot: “Second hand cars in first crash condition.”
    • Sign on fence: “Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.”
    • Sign in a car dealership office: “The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
    • Sign over a cannibal’s hut: “I never met a man I didn’t like.”
    • Sign in a muffler shop: “No appointment necessary. We’ll hear you coming.”

    Courtesy of AhaJokes.com

  • Americas Doctors Weigh In On Health Care Reform

    As you know, we have published several articles regarding the current “Health Care Reform” proposals being bandied about. This is an emotional subject that is sparking heated rhetoric. Perhaps the views of the various medical specialties as given below will inject a little calm into the hyperbole that is swirling around this touchy issue.

    (Forwarded from the Internet)

    Apparently, the specialty bodies of American Medical Association has weighed in on the president’s new health care package…

    The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

    The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it.

    The Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

    The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception.

    Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

    Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the Pediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up!”

    The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

    Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

    The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow.

    The Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

    The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward.

    The Urologists were pi**ed off at the whole idea.

    The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas.

    The Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

    In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a**holes in Washington.

  • More Medical Terminology For The Layman

    As you know, here at The Wellness Club we like to use our HealthBeat Newsletter as a vehicle with which to educate and empower our readers. Medical terminology can be very confusing – not just for laypeople but for medical professionals too. With that in mind, we are pleased to present this concise listing of some of the more common medical terms you may hear. Having mastered this list you will be well-prepared to discuss most any medical condition with your doctor and you will be in a perfect position to amaze your friends with your technical knowledge.

    Enjoy!

    More Medical Terminology For The Layman

    (author unknown)

    ANTIBODY: against everyone
    ARTERY: the study of fine paintings
    BACTERIA: back door to a cafeteria
    BANDAGES: The Rolling Stones
    BARIUM: what you do when CPR fails
    BENIGN: what you be after you be eight
    BOTULISM: tendency to make mistakes
    BOWEL: letters like A, E, I, O, or U
    CAESAREAN SECTION: a district in Rome
    CARDIOLOGY: advanced study of poker playing
    CAT SCAN: searching for ones lost kitty
    CAUTERIZE: made eye contact with her
    COLIC: a sheep dog
    COMA: a punctuation mark
    CONGENITAL: friendly
    CORTIZONE: the local courthouse
    D & C: where Washington is
    DILATE: to live longer
    ENEMA: not a friend
    ENTERITIS: a penchant for burglary
    ER: the things on your head that you hear with
    FESTER: quicker
    FIBRILLATE: to tell lies
    G.I. SERIES: baseball games between teams of soldiers
    GENES: blue denim slacks
    GENITAL: Non- Jewish
    GRIPPE: what you do to a suitcase
    HANGNAIL: a coat hook
    HEMORRHOID: a male from outer space
    HERPES: what women do in the Ladies Room
    HORMONES: what a prostitute does when she doesn’t get paid
    ICU: peek-a-boo
    IMPOTENT: distinguished, well known
    INPATIENT: tired of waiting
    LABOR PAIN: hurt at work
    MEDICAL STAFF: a doctor’s cane
    MINOR OPERATION: somebody else’s
    MORBID: a higher offer
    NITRATE: lower than day rate
    NODE: was aware of
    ORGAN TRANSPLANT: what you do to your piano when you move
    ORGANIC: church musician
    OUTPATIENT: a person who has fainted
    PARALYZE: two far-fetched stories
    PATHOLOGICAL: a reasonable way to go
    PHARMACIST: person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
    PLASTER CAST: the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert
    POST-OPERATIVE: a letter carrier
    PROTEIN: in favor of young people
    RECOVERY ROOM: place to upholster furniture
    RECTUM: what happened to the Corvette
    RED BLOOD COUNT: Dracula
    RHEUMATIC: amorous
    SALINE: where you go on your boyfriend’s boat
    SECRETION: hiding anything
    SEROLOGY: study of English knighthood
    SURGERY: a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply
    STERILE SOLUTION: not using the elevator during a fire
    TABLET: a small table
    TERMINAL ILLNESS: getting sick at the airport
    TIBIA: country in North Africa
    TRIPLE BYPASS: better than a quarterback sneak
    TUMOR: an extra pair
    URINE: opposite of "you’re out"
    VARICOSE: very close
    VEIN: conceited

  • MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEETS (MSDS) – A Most Useful Tool For Researchers

    Many of our readers may be familiar with the ubiquitous MSDS documents that define the makeup, uses, and hazards of virtually anything you might imagine. These are often very useful as they can provide surprising information about substances. We frequently refer to these documents here at The Wellness Club when we are conducting our research.

    This set of MSDS documents found it’s way into our email inboxes recently, and we thought it might be useful to pass the information along.

     

    HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SYSTEM

    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET (MSDS)

    Woman: A Chemical Analysis

    ELEMENT: Woman

    SYMBOL: Wo

    DISCOVERER: Adam

    ATOMIC MASS: Accepted as 118 lbs., known to vary from 110 to 550 lbs.

    OCCURRENCE: Copious quantities throughout the world

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    • Surface usually covered with a painted film.
    • Boils at nothing, freezes without reason.
    • Melts if given special treatment.
    • Bitter if incorrectly used.
    • Found in various states ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
    • Yields to pressure applied to correct points.

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    • Has a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones.
    • Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances.
    • May explode spontaneously without prior warning, and for no known reason.
    • Insoluble in liquids, but activity greatly increased by saturation in alcohol.
    • Most powerful money-reducing agent know to man.

    COMMON USES:

    • Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars.
    • Can be a great aid to relaxation.

    TESTS:

    • Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state.
    • Turns green when placed besides a better specimen.

    HAZARDS:

    • Highly dangerous except in experienced hands.
    • Illegal to possess more than one.

     

    MATERIAL SAFETY DATA SHEET (MSDS)

    Man: A Chemical Analysis

    ELEMENT: Man

    SYMBOL: XY

    DISCOVERER: Uncertain

    ATOMIC MASS: 180 +/-100

    PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:

    • Solid at room temperature but easily gets bent out of shape.
    • Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample.
    • Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as fresh young samples.

    CHEMICAL PROPERTIES:

    • Attempts to bond with Wo (element Woman) any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself.
    • Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged periods of time.
    • Pretty basic.
    • Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

    USAGE:

    • None really, except methane production. Many samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

    HAZARDS:

    • In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.
  • Wellness Club Health Research Team Finds Swine Flu ‘Ground Zero’!

    By Nurse Mark

    As predicted in our last HealthBeat Newsletter, the Swine Flu that had the W.H.O., the government, Big Pharma, and the press all in a tizzy has turned out to be not much more than any other flu – some people are getting sick with it, just as some people get sick with any other flu. Some of those people who are unfortunate to have other serious health conditions that affect them and make them at higher risk have succumbed – but tragic as that is, it is a fact of life that for some poor individuals death can result from infections that you or I might consider an annoyance at best. We extend our sympathies to the families of those who have succumbed to complications of this, and all flu infections.

    It seems that for the press at least, Swine Flu has been pushed aside by more pressing matters: Mr. Obama is feuding with Mr. Cheney, Ms Pelosi is doing her best to be unavailable to anyone who might ask her about her about her comments regarding the CIA, the North Koreans are rattling their nuclear saber, Mr. Obama has given the press his Supreme Court nominee to fuss over – all these things are far more titillating to our "fourth estate", the press, than what has turned out to be a relatively minor outbreak of influenza.

    Still, our researchers here at The Wellness Club have been, and will continue to be hard at work on this issue on your behalf. Our team has been scouring the globe, seeking clues that can help us to better understand illnesses such as this for with increased understanding comes improved ability to prevent and treat future outbreaks of these frightening illnesses.

    One of the more perplexing questions with regard to this outbreak concerns it’s origins – for while we know that many of the initial cases were reported to have been from Mexico there is still the question of how this virus managed to make the jump from the animals that it usually infects to humans, who are not normally bothered much by animal diseases. Many theories have been postulated, and our research team has diligently examined them all – mutations of common viruses, man-made viruses, experimental release of weaponized viruses, lab accidents, contaminants arriving from outer space in UFOs, all these possibilities have been looked at here.

    In the course of all this research our team has uncovered compelling evidence, even proof, some team members believe, that we have found what may be "Ground-Zero" for this outbreak. Indeed, one of our most dedicated research associates has been able to provide us with photographic evidence that seems to us to be irrefutable.

    Since we doubt that the press will be very likely to perform the public service of keeping you informed by passing along this photograph, we are presenting it here. Please be warned, this is a graphic image, and may not be suitable for those possessed of a weak stomach…

    Please scroll down to view the evidence of swine flu transmission from animal to human.

     

     

     

    Photographic evidence demonstrating the dangers of uncontrolled and unmonitored interaction between humans and farm animals – shocking!

     

     

    SwineFluTransmission

     

    GOTCHA!