HealthBeat News

Category: Funnies

  • He Told The Therapist: "I Fish On Fridays"

    A husband and wife came for counseling after 20 years of marriage.

    When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 20 years they had been married.

    She went on and on and on: describing neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

    Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

    The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

    The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

  • The Importance of Religion and Spirituality in Healing

    Spirituality and religious faith are important to many of our Wellness Club members, customers, and HealthBeat News readers.

    Dr. Myatt has long recognized the importance of spirituality in healing and wellness, and in fact she has taught and lectured on this subject and has produced 2 very popular videos:

    In The Body/Mind Connection Dr. Myatt explains the Body/Mind Connection in terms of easy-to-understand physiology. She explains how thoughts become translated into flesh via the endocrine and nervous system. She also explains how we can draw upon that knowledge to change unproductive habits, heal our bodies, and create new circumstances.

    In Remembering Who You Are Dr. Myatt explains that Recognition and remembrance of our true nature has always been the goal of both science and religion. It is a necessary component of the healing process, whether of body, mind, or spirit. Drawing from well-accepted scientific principals, plus wisdom from a variety of the worlds great religions, she will lead you on a journey of remembrance that may prove to be the most valuable tool of your entire existence.

    With this in mind, we thought our readers might enjoy this combining of of wisdom from two rather different belief systems, expressed in familiar sayings from each:

    If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

    Be here now.
    Be someplace else later.
    Is that so complicated?

    Drink tea and nourish life;
    with the first sip, joy;
    with the second sip, satisfaction;
    with the third sip, peace;
    with the fourth, a Danish.

    Wherever you go, there you are.
    Your luggage is another story.

    Accept misfortune as a blessing.
    Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems.
    What would you talk about?

    The journey of a thousand miles begins with
    a single ” Oy Vey”

    There is no escaping from karma
    In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited.
    And whose fault was that?

    Zen is not easy.
    It takes effort to attain nothingness.
    And then what do you have? Bupkis.

    The Tao does not speak.
    The Tao does not blame.
    The Tao does not take sides.
    The Tao has no expectations.
    The Tao demands nothing of others.
    The Tao is clearly not Jewish.

    Breathe in.
    Breathe out.
    Breathe in.
    Breathe out.
    Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

    Let your mind be as a floating cloud.
    Let your stillness be as a wooded glen.
    And sit up straight.
    You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

    Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers.
    Each flower blossoms ten thousand times.
    Each blossom has ten thousand petals.
    You might want to see a specialist.

    Be aware of your body.
    Be aware of your perceptions.
    Keep in mind that not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.

    The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
    The Buddha says, There is no self.
    So, maybe we’re off the hook.

  • Hyper Somnolence: A Dangerous Condition In Our Modern, Busy World.

    Hyper somnolence is an increasingly important medical condition, especially in today’s stress-filled world where some persons may be finding themselves deprived of normal sleep either as a result of hectic schedules or inappropriate sleeping conditions where too many external stimuli can prevent the normal transitioning from the wake cycle to the proper, restorative, and restful sleep cycle.
    As this condition is of great concern to many HealthBeat readers, we have gathered together a collection of demonstrative images that may be of assistance to those wishing to determine whether they too might be at risk of developing abnormal sleep patterns and behaviors.

    Please be warned, these are graphic images, and may not be appropriate for all audiences.

    Please continue on to our informative webpage where you can read more about Hyper Somnolence and view these revealing photographs.

    Remember, if you or someone you love suffer from this debilitating condition, Dr. Myatt is available for telephone consultation – don’t delay; seek appropriate help now!

  • The Importance Of Careful Medical Charting

    As most readers know, careful and complete chart notes are very important in documenting the care of a patient. Sometimes though practitioners get a little harried or busy, and things don’t always read the way they were intended. Here are some examples of those bloopers, for your enjoyment:Actual Medical Chart Notes

    1. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
    2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
    3. On the second day, the knee was better, and then on the third day it disappeared.
    4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
    5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
    6. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
    7. Healthy-appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
    8. The patient refused autopsy.
    9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
    10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
    11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.
    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
    13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
    14. She is numb from her toes down.
    15. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
    16. The skin was moist and dry.
    17. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
    18. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
    20. Rectal examination revealed a normal-size thyroid.
    21. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
    22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
    23. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
    24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
    25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
    26. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. ____, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
    27. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
    28. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
    29. Patient was found in bed with her power mower.

  • Nurse Marks Non-Aerobic Exercise Program

    We all know that physical exercise is good for us. Like you, I know that I should exercise daily, but my body sometimes objects, so I have worked out this program of strenuous activities that do not require physical exertion. You are invited to use my program without charge. Here are the exercises I have worked up:

    • Beating around the bush
    • Jumping to conclusions
    • Climbing the walls
    • Swallowing my pride
    • Passing the buck
    • Throwing my weight around
    • Dragging my heels
    • Pushing my luck
    • Making Mountains out of molehills
    • Hitting the nail on the head
    • Wading through paperwork
    • Bending over backwards
    • Jumping on the bandwagon
    • Balancing the books
    • Running around in circles
    • Eating crow
    • Tooting my own horn
    • Climbing the ladder of success
    • Pulling out the stops
    • Adding fuel to the fire
    • Opening a can of worms
    • Putting my foot in my mouth
    • Starting the ball rolling
    • Going over the edge