HealthBeat News

Category: Funnies

  • Political Humor – The parable of the talking dog

    A young cowboy from Wyoming went off to college, but half way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered all his money.

    He called home: “Dad,” he said, “You won’t believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Laramie that will teach our dog, Ol’ Blue how to talk!”

    ‘That’s amazing,” his Dad said. “How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?”

    “Just send him down here with $1,000” the young cowboy said. “I’ll get him in the course.”

    So, his father sent the dog and $1,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again ran out. The boy called home.

    “So how’s Ol’ Blue doing son?” his father asks.

    “Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” says the young man, “but you just won’t believe this – they’ve had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!”

    “Read!” says his father, “No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?”

    “Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” replies the son.

    The money promptly arrived. But our hero had a problem. At the end of the year, his father would find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

    When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. “Where’s Ol’ Blue? I just can’t wait to see him read something and talk!”

    “Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol’ Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messing’ around with that little redhead who lives in town?”

    The father exclaimed, “I hope you shot that son of a gun–before he talks to your Mother!”

    “‘I sure did, Dad!”

    “That’s my boy!”

    The kid went on to be a successful lawyer… And soon after that he went on to become a Congressman!

  • 45 Lessons Of Life

    Sent to me by one of our HealthBeat News readers, these are reminders we should look at every day.

    This was written By Regina Brett of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland, Ohio.

    "To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written. My odometer rolls over to 70 in August, so here goes:"

    1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
    2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
    3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
    4. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
    5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
    6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
    7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
    8. It’s okay to get angry with God. He can take it.
    9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
    10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
    11. Make peace with your past, so it won’t screw up the present.
    12. It’s okay to let your children see you cry.
    13. Don’t compare your life to others’. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
    14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
    15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
    16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
    17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful, or joyful.
    18. Whatever doesn’t kill you, really does make you stronger.
    19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and up to no one else.
    20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
    21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
    22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
    23. Be eccentric now. Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
    24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
    25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
    26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: ‘In five years, will this matter?’
    27. Always choose life.
    28. Forgive everyone everything.
    29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
    30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
    31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
    32. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.
    33. Believe in miracles.
    34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
    35. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
    36. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
    37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.
    38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
    39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
    40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d grab ours back.
    41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
    42. The best is yet to come.
    43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
    44. Yield.
    45. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift

  • A Little Fun At The Expense Of Our Bureaucrats

    A friend forwarded this on to me, thinking that I might enjoy it, since I am Canadian. While it is written about a Canadian rancher and a Canadian Provincial Government Inspector, it occurs to me that a story like this knows no nationality – it could happen anywhere that government officials find themselves becoming drunk with their own sense of self-importance. Read on, and see why this timeless little tale tickled me so…

    So this Department of Water Resources representative stops at a Canadian ranch in Alberta , and talks with the old rancher.

    He tells the rancher; "I need to inspect your ranch for your water allocation." The old rancher says; "Okay, but don’t go in that field over there."

    The Water Resources representative drew himself up to reply in his most stern and officious manner, "Mister, I have the authority of the Provincial Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

    The old rancher nods politely and goes about his chores.

    Later, the old rancher hears loud screams and spies the water rep running for his life and close behind is the rancher’s bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The rep is clearly terrified, so the old rancher immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs;

    "Your card! Show him your card!"

  • A Small Collection Of Aphorisms

    APHORISM:  A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE EXPRESSING A WISE, CLEVER OBSERVATION, A GENERAL TRUTH OR ADAGE …

    1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

    2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

    4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

    5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

    6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

    8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    9. Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

    10. No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

    11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

    12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM.  Like this: It could be a right number.

    13. No one ever says ‘It’s only a game’ when their team is winning.

    14. I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

    15. Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

    16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

    17. Do you realize that in about 40 years we’ll have millions of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)

    18. Money can’t buy happiness but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than in a Yugo.

    19. After 70, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

  • The Old Man And The Young Gunslinger – A Parable:

    Dr. Myatt (Dana) and her Dad have a special relationship.

    Dad is 90 (and still going strong), Dr. Myatt is 49 (ditto about the going strong). And they have great fun — and tease each other — about the "age thing."

    Dad calls Dana "The Pepsi Generation."
    She calls Dad "The Geritol Generation."
    The conversations might go something like this:

    Dad (on a phone call): "Hi. How’s the Pepsi Generation?"
    Dana: "Fine Dad. How’s the Geritol Generation?"
    (Dr. Myatt notes that soon they will BOTH be in the "Geritol Generation" and this greeting will no longer be valid).

    Or, Dad calls Dana on her 49th birthday and asks:

    Dad: "How does it feel to be 49?"
    Dana: "Great. How does it feel to be the Dad of a 49-year-old?"

    Dad celebrated his 90th B-day in May (Memorial Day, fitting for an "Old Salt" — retired Navy for those who don’t know the expression).

    Dana was quick to point out "Dad, 90 isn’t old … if you’re a Redwood!"

    Yes, Dr. Myatt and her Dad (and Mom, too!) have a special relationship. As she’s quick to say, she give thanks to the Almighty every day that both of her parents are still alive and well and in her life.

    SO… in that happy vein, she sent this email to Dad this morning:
    (Dad got a computer at the venerable age of 80, and 10 years later, he’s an e-mailin’ wizard),

    THE DANCING PROSPECTOR

    An old prospector walked his tired old mule into a western town one day. He’d been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.

    He tied his old mule to the hitch rail the first saloon he came to. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger burst out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

    The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

    The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to."

    A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well, you old fool, you’re gonna’ dance now," and started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.

    When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

    The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making that unmistakable double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned around, looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

    The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?"

    The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I’ve always wanted to."

    The lessons from this story are:

    1. Don’t waste ammunition.
    2. Don’t mess with old people.