Category: Funnies

Here is a collection of the wisdom and wit of children. You may have read these before, or not – they are sure to bring a smile regardless.

• I was in the bathroom, putting on my makeup, under the watchful eyes of my young granddaughter, as I’d done many times before. After I applied my lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye…
• My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
• After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
• A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!"
• My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?” "You’re both old," he replied.
• A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What’s it about?" he asked. "I don’t know," she replied. "I can’t read."
• I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!"
• When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
• When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I’m not sure…" "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised, "mine says I’m 4 to 6."
• A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That’s interesting," she said, "how do you make babies?" "It’s simple," replied the girl. "You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’."
• "Give me a sentence about a public servant," said a teacher. The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don’t you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child."
• A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. "They use him to keep crowds back," said one child. "No," said another. "He’s just for good luck." A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
• A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."
• My Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
• My Grandparents are funny said the youngster, when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

This was sent to us recently and it brought tears to my eyes – partly because it brought back childhood memories of happy and carefree family evenings spent watching a grainy, flickering black-and-white television, and partly because it made me wonder if this is the sort of math being used in boardrooms and on Wall Street and in Washington these days.

See if this doesn’t bring a smile to your face too…

Many of you know that Dr. Myatt and Nurse Mark enjoy their life "in the country" – clean air, clean water, no sirens wailing or helicopters with spotlights hovering overhead, no crackle of gunfire, just the distant (and sometimes not-so-distant) sounds of coyotes howling… plenty of room for dogs and cats and chickens and goats… a garden, and a leaky old tractor… ahh… but I’m getting off-course…

A good friend recently sent us this, knowing we would get a chuckle from it, even though we are not in a part of the country that is "blessed" with ‘possums…

Question: Why did the chicken cross the road?
Answer: To prove to the opossum that it could be done.

Dr. Myatt says:

I received this picture from a friend, titled "Why city folk shouldn’t move to the country."

Before we assume that it’s a hoax, let me tell you that my parents received a phone call late one evening from a panicked elderly neighbor. Seems the "biggest rat she’d ever seen" was in her garage. Not.

Here ’tis…

Know Why City Folk shouldn’t move to the Country?

(actual poster)

This cautionary tale was sent to us by a friend recently, and brought some smiles of remembrance. There are some very good reasons why doctors and nurses are so compulsive about hand-washing and so very careful about never placing their unwashed hands anywhere near their faces! I have spent many, many a shift in nurseries and pediatric wards holding and handling these wonderful creatures who can be so full of little surprises…

Cheers!
Nurse Mark

I Love Mustard.

(This is said to be a true story. If you have children you will probably relate to this father).

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, Gourmet Mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard!

No man ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, "Now you know why they call that fancy mustard Poupon.”