In the spirit of the season (Halloween, that is…) we thought we would pass along these photos sent to us by a friend. It really is a good thing that dogs are patient and understanding creatures – because an alternative title for this article could be “Why Dogs Bite Their Owners”!
Enjoy!
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
“My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad; I can’t even see my coffee.”
“I couldn’t even mark an “X” at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third.
“What? Speak up! What? I can’t hear you!”
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another.
“I forget where I am, and where I’m going,” said another.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
“Well, count your Blessings,” said a woman cheerfully – – “thank God we can all still drive!”
With all of our elected officials working so very hard these days to “earn our support” and to convince us of the truth, wisdom, and enlightened righteousness of their ways (as opposed to the evil and unenlightened ways of their opponents) this little homily might be both timely and entertaining.
A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and Versace tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Apple iPhone V cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
He next opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer, then turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.
The cowboy watches in amusement as the young man selects one of the animals and stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not?”
“You’re a Congressman for the U.S. Government,” says the cowboy.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required,” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter you are than me; and you don’t know a thing about cows. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.”
Ha! Made you look! You just had to see what could have such a high-falutin’ title, right?
Is there anything more cute than either kids or pets? How about kids and pets together!
This collection was forwarded to us by a one of our readers…
Enjoy!
There are sometimes “healthy” things that people do in the hopes of “living longer” that actually may just make it seem longer – and this little story illustrates that quite nicely.
Heaven Can’t Wait
An 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “ooohed and aaahed,” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.”
Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, “What are the green fees?”
Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
“How much to eat?” asked the old man.
“Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied.
“Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods?” the old man asked timidly.
“That’s the best part…you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.”
The old man looked at his wife and said, “You and your bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”