Laughter is Good Medicine: Some Truly Useful Information

 

We all know that medicine uses a number of different units of measure – ways of measuring and describing things. There are European units of measure, metric units, English units, American units, and other “standard” and “non-standard” units of measure to be found – this is one of the things that gives a careful doctor or nurse headaches!

Some of the units of measure we work with are familiar to most folks and many know roughly the conversions from one to another – a kilogram is about 2.2 pounds, an inch is about 2.5 centimeters, a liter is just a few drops more than a quart, and so on – others are more esoteric, and in the interest of educating our readers (and ourselves) we are including the following conversion

Conversion Units for the Scientifically Challenged

• Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
• 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
• 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
• Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
• Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
• Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong
• 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
• Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
• 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
• Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
• Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
• 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
• 1 million microphones = 1 megaphone
• 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
• 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
• 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
• 52 cards = 1 decacards
• 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
• 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
• 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
• 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
• 10 rations = 1 decoration
• 100 rations = 1 C-ration
• 2 monograms = 1 diagram
• 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
• 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
• 100 Senators = Not 1 decision

A reader recently sent us this story – and it seemed fitting to share it with you, our readers:

 

A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling,the blonde thanked them and said, ‘Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.’

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first.

All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. ‘That was beautiful,’ he said.

The blonde put her driver away and said, ‘I really didn’t get into it, and I faded it a little.’

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.)

The son said, ‘Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.’

The blonde frowned and said, ‘It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I’ve left a tricky little putt.’ She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway.

For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par.

She turned to the three guys and said, ‘I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night.’

The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, ‘Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.’

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. ‘Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.’

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, ‘That’s a gimme, sweetheart.’

The blonde smiled and said, ‘Your car or mine?’

As the old Proverb says:

OLD AGE AND TREACHERY WILL OVERCOME YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME!

Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind:

 

This is what happens when people have too much time on their hands…

 

Some random thoughts sent to us by a reader:

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once – or twice…

I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?

Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic!

All I ask is ONE chance, JUST one, to prove that money can’t make me happy.

If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

My weight is perfect for my height – which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

How can there be self-help “groups”?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

Is it just me – or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, yet the youngest you’ll ever be, so enjoy this day while it lasts.

Laughter is Good Medicine: Simple Truths And Knowledge From Our Canine Friends

 

We can learn so much from our friends in the animal world – here are some simple truths such as your dog might pass along to you, passed along to us by a HealthBeat reader…

If a dog was the teacher You would learn stuff like:

 

• When loved ones come home, always run to greet them
• Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride
• Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
• When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience
• Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory
• Take naps
• Stretch before rising
• Thrive on attention and let people touch you
• Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
• On warm days, stop to lie on your back in the grass
• On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree
• When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body
• No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends
• Delight in the simple joy of a long walk
• Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough
• Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you’re not
• If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
• When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently

Best Single’s Ad Ever

 

This may be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.

I’m a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I’ll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me.

Call (404) 875-XXXX and ask for Lucy, I’ll be waiting….

(Click here to see the punch line):