Category: Funnies

  • Doctors vs. Gun Owners – The Statistics of Death

    Doctors vs. Gun Owners

    Commentary by Nurse Mark

    This set of statistics has been circulating around the internet for a while – you have probably seen it. While it is certainly not politically correct (in light of our new Presidential Administration’s overall attitudes towards guns and gun owners) it does make one chuckle.

    It also points out how statistics can be used and manipulated.

    Just to get another view of these figures, I used the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) statistical engine to see what they had to say on the subject – and found that according to the CDC in 2005, in the United States, out of a population of 295,895,897,(All Races, Both Sexes, All Ages):

    Adverse effects – Medical care Deaths and Rates per 100,000 were 2,309  for a rate of 0.78,

    while

    Unintentional Firearm Deaths and Rates per 100,000 were 789 for a rate of 0.27.

    This is a little different way of looking at the statistics, but still an eye-opener.

    Just to introduce a little perspective, I looked at the following:

    Overall Motor Vehicle Deaths and Rates per 100,000 were 45,520 deaths for a rate of 15.38

    (The above figures are courtesy of the CDC’s National Center for Injury Prevention and Control: http://webapp.cdc.gov/sasweb/ncipc/mortrate10_sy.html)

    So, please remember to fasten you seatbelt every time you ride in a motor vehicle – and sit back, put a smile on, and enjoy a little irreverent, politically incorrect humor!

    Doctors vs. Gunowners

    Doctors Gunowners
    Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health and Human Services Statistics courtesy of FBI
    The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000 The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000
    (Yes, that’s right, 80 million)
    Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year: 120,000 Accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups: 1,500
    Accidental deaths per physician: 0.171 Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.000188

    So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.

    Remember, ‘Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.’

    FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.

    Please alert your friends to this alarming threat to our safety.

    Though doctors are licensed and closely regulated in America this daily carnage continues unchecked – perhaps we should consider a ban on doctors before this gets completely out of hand. If it saved even one life it might be worth it to keep these dangerous tools of conventional medicine out of the hands of dangerous people!

    Out of concern for the public at large, I’ve withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

  • HealthBeat News Investment tips for 2009

    Investment tips for 2009

    With all the turmoil in the markets today and the collapse of so many of the financial giants and mergers of so many of the MegaCorporations this might be some good advice. For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.   Watch for these consolidations this year:

    1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

    2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

    3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

    4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

    5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and will be: FedUP.

    6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

    7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

    8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

    And finally…

    9. Victoria’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

    Uh, you can figure this last one out… (hint – it rhymes with the title of a 1968 children’s musical comedy starring Dick Van Dyke as an inventor who creates an amazing flying car that drives by itself)

  • Laughter is Good Medicine: Remembering Hollywood Squares

    Laughter is Good Medicine: Remembering Hollywood Squares

    If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics this may bring tears of laughter to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when game show responses were spontaneous and clever, not scripted and often dull, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.

    Q. Do female frogs croak?
    A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

    Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
    A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

    Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
    A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

    Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
    A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

    Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
    A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.

    Q Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
    A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

    Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I Love You"?
    A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

    Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can’t Get Enough"?
    A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

    Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
    A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

    Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
    A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

    Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
    A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

    Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
    A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

    Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
    A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

    Q During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
    A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

    Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
    A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

    Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
    A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

    Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
    A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
    A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

    Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
    A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

    Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do ?
    A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

    Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
    A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

    Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
    A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him

    Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?
    A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

    Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
    A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh.

  • Memory Testing Quiz – To Test Long-Term Memory

    This quiz was sent along to us recently by a regular HealthBeat News reader – it amused me because while I remembered most of these (I only missed 3…) Dr. Myatt missed a whole bunch more than that – so I guess that means she belongs in "the younger set" while I belong… well, let’s not go there!

    Have fun, but no peeking!

    Nurse Mark

    MEMORY TEST! This is NOT a pushover test.

    There are 20 questions – the average score is 12.

    This will be difficult for the younger set. Some of you may be too young to remember these. The answers are at the end, but try your best with these questions first – no peeking!

    1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

    • A. Flintstones vitamins
    • B. The ThighMaster
    • C. Spaghetti
    • D. Wonder Bread
    • E. Orange Juice
    • F. Milk
    • G. Cod Liver Oil

    2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was…

    • A. Sugar Ray Robinson
    • B. Roy Orbison
    • C. Gene Autry
    • D. Rudolph Valentino
    • E. Fabian
    • F. Mickey Mantle
    • G. Cassius Clay

    3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, ‘We have met the enemy and…

    • A. It’s you
    • B. He is us
    • C. It’s the Grinch
    • D. He wasn’t home
    • E. He’s really me an
    • F. We quit
    • G. He surrendered

    4. Good night David.

    • A. Good nigh Chet
    • B. Sleep well
    • C. Good night Irene
    • D. Good night Gracie
    • E. See you later alligator
    • F. Until tomorrow
    • G. Good night Steve

    5. You’ll wonder where the yellow went…

    • A. When you use Tide
    • B. When you lose your crayons
    • C. When you clean your tub
    • D. If you paint the room blue
    • E. If you buy a soft water tank
    • F. When you use Lady Clairol
    • G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

    6.. Before he was the Skipper’s Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie’s friend….

    • A. Stuart Whitman
    • B. Randolph Scott
    • C. Steve Reeves
    • D. Maynard G. Krebbs
    • E. Corky B. Dork
    • F. Dave the Whale
    • G. Zippy Zoo

    7. Liar, liar…

    • A. You’re a liar
    • B. Your nose is growing
    • C. Pants on fire
    • D. Join the choir
    • E. Jump up higher
    • F. On the wire
    • G. I’m telling Mom

    8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and…

    • A. Wheaties
    • B. Lois Lane
    • C. TV ratings
    • D. World peace
    • E. Red tights
    • F. The American way
    • G. News headlines

    9. Hey kids! What time is it?

    • A. It’s time for Yogi Bear
    • B. It’s time to do your homework
    • C. It’s Howdy Doody Time
    • D. It’s Time for Romper Room
    • E. It’s bedtime
    • F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
    • G. Scooby Doo Time

    10. Lions and tigers and bears…

    • A. Yikes
    • B. Oh no
    • C. Gee whiz
    • D. I’m scared
    • E. Oh my
    • F. Help! Help!
    • G. Let’s run

    11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone…

    • A. Over 40
    • B. Wearing a uniform
    • C. Carrying a briefcase
    • D. Over 30
    • E. You don’t know
    • F. Who says, ‘Trust me’
    • G. Who eats tofu

    12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women’s stockings…

    • A. Troy Aikman
    • B. Kenny Stabler
    • C. Joe Namath
    • D. Roger Stauback
    • E. Joe Montana
    • F. Steve Young
    • G. John Elway

    13. Brylcream…

    • A. Smear it on
    • B. You’ll smell great
    • C. Tame that cowlick
    • D. Grease ball heaven
    • E. It’s a dream
    • F. We’re your team
    • G. A little dab’ll do ya

    14. I found my thrill…

    • A. In Blueberry muffins
    • B. With my man, Bill
    • C. Down at the mill
    • D. Over the windowsill
    • E. With thyme and dill
    • F. Too late to enjoy
    • G. On Blueberry Hill

    15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by…

    • A. Clark Gable
    • B. Mary Martin
    • C. Doris Day
    • D. Errol Flynn
    • E. Sally Fields
    • F. Jim Carey
    • G. Jay Leno

    16. Name the Beatles…

    • A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
    • B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
    • C.. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
    • D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
    • E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
    • F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
    • G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

    17. I wonder, wonder, who..

    • A. Who ate the leftovers?
    • B. Who did the laundry?
    • C. Was it you?
    • D.. Who wrote the book of love?
    • E. Who I am?
    • F. Passed the test?
    • G. Knocked on the door?

    18. I’m strong to the finish…

    • A. Cause I eats my broccoli
    • B. Cause I eats me spinach
    • C. Cause I lift weights
    • D. Cause I’m the hero
    • E. And don’t you forget it
    • F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
    • G. To outlast Brutus

    19. When it’s least expected, you’re elected, you’re the star today…

    • A. Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
    • B. Smile, you’re on Star Search
    • C. Smile, you won the lottery
    • D. Smile, we’re watching you
    • E. Smile, the world sees you
    • F. Smile, you’re a hit
    • G. Smile, you’re on TV

    20. What do M & M’s do?

    • A. Make your tummy happy
    • B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
    • C. Make you fat
    • D. Melt your heart
    • E. Make you popular
    • F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
    • G. Come in colors

    Here are the right answers:

    • 1. D – Wonder Bread
    • 2. G – Cassius Clay
    • 3. B – He Is Us
    • 4. A – Good night, Chet
    • 5. G – When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
    • 6. D – Maynard G. Krebbs
    • 7. C – Pants On Fire
    • 8. F – The American way
    • 9. C – It’s Howdy Doody Time
    • 10. E – Oh My
    • 11. D – Over 30
    • 12. C – Joe Namath
    • 13. G – A little dab’ll do ya
    • 14. G – On Blueberry Hill
    • 15. B – Mary Martin
    • 16. G – John, Paul, George, Ringo
    • 17. D – Who wrote the book of Love
    • 18. B – Cause I eats me spinach
    • 19. A – Smile, you’re on Candid Camera
    • 20. F – Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand
  • Laughter is Good Medicine: A "Skelittle" bit of fun for Halloween…

    This was Sent to us by subscriber Peg from Washington:

    Here are some fun Halloween quiz questions – lucky 13 of them – try your luck first, the answers are below.

    Have fun with the kids and grandkids with these!

    Questions:

    1. Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
    2. What do you call a skeleton who won’t work?
    3. What did the skeleton say before eating?
    4. What is a skeleton’s favorite musical instrument?
    5. Why can’t skeletons play music in church?
    6. How did the skeleton know it was going to rain?
    7. What happened to the sailors who sank in the river full of piranha?
    8. Why did the skeleton stay out in the snow all night?
    9. Why did the skeleton stay late at school?
    10. How do skeletons get their mail?
    11. What kind of plate does a skeleton eat off of?
    12. Why do skeletons hate winter? (Peg says "are they snowbirds?")
    13. Why are skeletons so calm?

    Answers:

    1. No body
    2. Lazy bones
    3. Bon Appetite
    4. Trombone
    5. They have no organs
    6. Could feel it in his bones
    7. They came back as a skeleton crew
    8. He was a numbskull
    9. He was boning up for his exams
    10. Boney express
    11. Bone china
    12. The wind goes right through them
    13. Nothing gets under their skin